terrorlynn | (no subject)

I'd post pictures, but I dont have enough photographic ability to convey my fear. First week of culinary school, done. Its going to be very hard, and very fun. My excitement and passion for food are at an all time high...

...which makes my job all the more frustrating. Im not cooking...and neither is anyone else. We use premade sauces, canned/frozen vegetables just get tossed in steamers, meat gets grilled or roasted in giant batches. The closest thing to a creative cooking outlet was when I got to work the Seven Star (highest tier of player) Appreciation Dinner last week, where I got to sautee berries in butter and brown sugar, and then flambe them with cognac, right in front of customers. I was informed by EVERYONE I came in to contact with though, that this is one of the only events in a year that that sort of cooking thing happens.

I dont know what to do.

Im so excited about all the things Im learning about food. I'm so excited about my profession. This just isnt fufilling me. Hell, it doesnt seem to be fufilling any of the people I work with that have the same mindset. The only advancements that I'm able to look forward to are promotions to a sous chef position...which means I would never even get to see the inside of a pot again. The sous chefs at Harrahs are just supervisors. I mean, there's a picture of one of them actually cooking that one of my coworkers snapped on her phone last week, because it was like catching the Loch Ness Monster.

Im very afraid, and I dont know what to do.

At least my baby is home, and my new psychiatrist is pretty decent. Life is good, in general...this is just frustrating.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Remember the Squishy Ball?! I just threw that away before Travis and I got married, when I was cleaning out all my old stuff. Campus Life was, to be honest, the only thing that kept me alive for a little while. I was so screwed up in the head, that I just wanted a place where people thought I was worth something, ya know? *shrugs* Didnt really pan out the way I had hoped for, but then again, neither did religion ;). I thought of you a lot too over the years. Im glad we've reconnected, and that you're happy.

And as for your nose and my business, its totally cool to sniff around. I wouldnt have added you here if it wasnt okay. :)

Oh god, the squishy ball. And the doll with no arms and no legs! And A-A-A-Alberquerque!

Campus Life actually made me more suicidal than I'd like to believe. By the end, I realized that all the staff and many people there were assholes (excepting a few lovely people) and just wanted asses in the seats and didn't give a rat's ass about me. I hope you made it out of there with more self esteem than I did. Joe and Joel did more to make me want to kill myself than anybody else has ever done.

The God thing (obviously) didn't work out for me, either. I'm happily living in sin with another lapsed Christian, and we don't believe in God together. :)

Oh, Albequerque. How I love thee.

Yeah, Campus Life was really just a propaganda machine for an invisible man in the sky that knows everything and loves you except for when you're bad...oh, and the fucker never seems to have enough money. I felt like I always fell short of their expectations, and they didnt hesitate to remind me of those failings. My self esteem was never awesome, but it was way worse after them. I remember when I went in to the mental hospital...and NO ONE visited me, NO ONE would talk to me about it...bastards.

I guess it doesnt seem like I dont believe in god...just more like he/she/it never believed in me. There's a big reason Travis is an atheist and I'm agnostic. I dont really think its possible for us to know whether there is a god or not, but I figure that if I try to leave the world in a better place than I left it, no one or nothing can be all that pissy at me. Seems reasonable ;).

Im so glad you're happier now. I always find it strange when I reconnect with people from my past and it seems like they havent changed at all...how can people go through life without changing? I mean, AT ALL? Very odd.

After I graduated, I decided to cut ties with everyone that pissed me off. I moved in with my dad and didn't give anyone except Rey and Lan my new address and phone number. That ended up biting me in the ass, because Rey turned psycho, but Lan is still my best friend. She's on LJ as journaloflan (friend her if you want, I know she'd love to hear from you). I guess I unintentionally cut ties with people I still wanted to stay friends with; namely, everyone who didn't graduate in my year. :(

I still kind of know what's going on, because my friend Kristen (remember her? skinny, big boobs, used to do skits about Britney Spears at club?) stayed on as a staff at CL after she graduated HS. Some people never did change, and some got a lot creepier.