terrorlynn | (no subject)

Alright, so here's your several times a year post that Im sure you're all sick of by now.

Do other people feel like they have random bursts of crazy? Like, not the occasional desire to murder someone that cuts you off in traffic or to poison the water supply of a lady who took the last loaf of french bread at the supermarket, but more like the "I cant stand the way that I look anymore, so I just start running and running, imagining the fat melting off my bones every time my feet hit the pavement," type crazy. The "My body feels like its filled up with all the little day to day lies and bullshit and I feel the nearly overwhelming compulsion to tell everyone every bad thing I've ever done," type crazy. Is this just part of the bipolar? Is this some other crazy? It seems to happen about once a week, for about a day. There will be some thought that my brain just latches on to and cant stop repeating. I rarely act on whatever my brain is obsessing on, but Im getting really sick of having to deal with it. I was able to get back on my medicine way sooner than I thought I would be able to (thank god for phone in prescriptions and promises of blood level checks at my next appointments), so I know Im not just being weird off my medicine or something akin to that.

Sometimes, I get really really tired of feeling different and crazy. Well, I guess that sentence should just read, "Im really really sick of feeling different and crazy," as it isnt really a sometimes kind of deal.

*grumbleschmumble*

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Oh man, I went crazy outloud one day in the car. My friend was sitting next to me and just started laughing (lucky me he didnt get freaked out). This guy behind me honked for no reason and I just started shouting and jumped up and down in the car. I was nuts, not to mention the random thoughts that go pick and eat at you all day. My one friend says she writes them down and that helps her, I was going to try that.

heh. I imagine taking a big knife and cutting all the fat off me -- I'm pretty sure there aren't any organs in my tummy fat so I should be able to shave some off, right? and I know, there'd be a ton of blood and scarring and pain but sometimes it's all I can think about ...
I also sometimes really want to get another piercing so it ticks me off that I already have everything I want to have pierced, pierced.

btw, it was awesome dancing on stage with you for halloween -- I'm glad you came to town. X D

Doesn't happen that often for me, but it does happen.
It is a bipolar/psych disorder thing I've read about, where you have thoughts that you'd normally never ever think ever.

But, hey, I just crashed off of a 7 hour manic high, so...

I used to have a lot of things like that, not verbal, but just very strong self-destructive images like sapphiredonna's that would suddenly pop in my head and i'd have to talk myself through not doing. Strangely calming, in a way.

haven't had them in a very long time, i think my life adjustments paid off and my brain doesn't automatically go there anymore. So.... yeah. But different.

yeah, I have my own kinda crazy that I hide from everyone. but to have thought about the shaving off the fat thing. sometimes I feel so "full" of anxiety that I feel like I could puke it all out. - it's a wierd feeling to have something emotional translate to something physical

"Do other people feel like they have random bursts of crazy?"

Sure. I would get into spiral patterns of thought along the lines of "why can't I meet a guy and fall in love, why aren't any of the single guys I know willing to have sex with me, why am I so ugly, what's wrong with me, why am I so miserable over this, why can't anything ever go the way I want it to, this is all my fault, I'm lonely and it hurts and it's making me bitter, it's making me ugly, and I'm bitter and it drives men away, and I hate myself for it, what's wrong with me..." and so on and so on and so on. To the point where there had been a few moments where I felt like I was drowning in all the negative words that had built up inside my head....when I know logically that it was all just stupid bullshit in my head and it was hurting me pointlessly.

And I'd sit down and forceably clear my head, do my meditation breathing, and recite things from the Buddha to get myself turned around. It took a while to get out of those patterns and I am still learning.

Give yourself some time, take some deep breaths and don't be so hard on yourself Terri-faerie. You'll make progress.

-emily