(no subject)

[terrorlynn]

So, um...Travis pointed something out to me, and my therapist has talked to me about this before, but I guess I dont really understand how to change it. I feel obligated to do whatever people ask of me, even people I dont like. I do things for people, like drive them places or help them move furniture, not always just because its a nice thing for a friend to do, but because i feel like i HAVE to do it. Like maybe, if I didnt do it, if I said no...that person wouldnt like me anymore. Its not just a problem with my friends, but with people I dont even like. I want to do what they ask me. I want to be the person they can always depend on to do what they need/want of me.

I sound like a codependent 13 year old.

I know that isnt what friendship is about, that people will still be my friends if I dont do what they want all the time. And Im getting better at it, but saying no is still really hard for me.

How do I get over this fear and develop a little more of a spine???

Comments

[citrinepoint.livejournal.com]

Oprah calls this the Disease to Please

http://www.codependents.org/12promises.php

It works if you work it and you're worth it!

-from someone who's been there and done that

Consider this -

[helpful-ninja.livejournal.com]

Folks may ask you for something, but what they also want, or /should/ want, is the truth. Hell, even if they don't want the truth, they should be prepared for it.

And sometimes that truth - about you and from you - is legitimately that you cannot do the thing they want you to do, or that you simply do not want to do it.

I am a firm believer that being honest with people is more important than pleasing them.

Re: Consider this -

[chuckdawg.livejournal.com]

Nope. It's on the record now.

Mike + Banach 4EVA

[redbeard13.livejournal.com]

Just start saying no as a matter of practice. Don't even think about it. Don't give excuses why not. Just say no. As an exercise.

After you've done that for about a month, go back to thinking about the questions being asked. You'll realize that no one hates you as a result and that it is possible to say no to requests without reprecussions.

[nykki.livejournal.com]

First of all, if you don't come and clean my house (for free) at least two days a week for the rest of my academic career, I won't be your friend.

See how easy it was for you to think "fuck you bitch"? You need those instincts.

Here's how I would handle this, if it were me: When someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do, or don't like the asker, tell them you have to get back to them. Sure they'll be annoyed; but annoying people can be fun. Then take some time and decide if it's worth it. Would it forge a new friendship with someone you don't know very well? Would you feel better about yourself for doing a good deed? Are you the last possible person to help a desperate friend who would totaly do the same back for you? WOULD the person do it if you asked them to? Are you exhausted after working for ten hours and just want to take a bath, drink some wine, and go to sleep? Do they have others that can help them instead of you?

Decide how you feel about it, then give them an answer. Unless it's "gotta do it now" there's no reason you have to answer them right away. And odds are, even if it's "now", it's not really now. They're just impatient, or trying to bully people into doing what they want.

My god woman, develop some balls, tell people no, and enter the realm of the inner bitch with the rest of us.

Or... come clean my house.

[shimmerngspirit.livejournal.com]

I agree completely with this comment.

[rinifer.livejournal.com]

I'm with nykki here.

Of course, easier said than done. I'm still working on this myself. I find myself bending over backwards to be there for people because I want to be that person. This is the key question for me: WOULD the person do it if you asked them to? If the answer is no, then screw 'em. Say "no" with a smile on your face (or the "get back to you" thing).

[cheetahvet.livejournal.com]

wait....since when are you two ....? did something happen while i've been away?

[nhyrvana.livejournal.com]

I'm down with everything said above.

Now you just need practice. So I'm going to call you FREQUENTLY and bug you to do stuff for me that you shouldn't do or can't do. YOU WILL SAY NO, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.

This will give you practice and also show you that you won't turn inside out if you say "no"

Love!
-e

[cheetahvet.livejournal.com]

I just have to say that from my pov, I have never gotten thru this particular struggle. It in fact led me to the point in my life where I am now, which I will post about shortly.

LOVE YOU!