From the convent to the rectory, and over in the sacristy

So, I made this up tonight after realizing how much I had been dying for Thai food. It came out really well, except for the fact that I didnt have kefir lime leaves or lemongrass. It came out well, anyways.

Damn it...Im going to have to go to a doctor.

Here's the scoop: About two years ago, I started having really bad stomach/intestinal cramps that would come on with no warning or obvious cause. I kept a journal of what happened when the cramps came so I could try to find a pattern, and I couldnt find anything. When I went in for my last checkup at my obgyn, i asked her about it. She recommended performing an ultrasound, and I did (this was two summers ago). They didnt find anything. So, I tried the good old standby of ignorning it. They didnt go away, and they've steadilly gotten worse. Now, when they happen, I double over in pain and cant do a damn thing until they pass.

About a year ago, Travis convinced me to go to a gastroentrologist in Peoria (because there isnt a single one closer to Macomb than that). Basically, the doctor said that because I didnt have a family medical history, they couldnt easilly diagnose me as having irritable bowel syndrome, but that they wanted to do a colonoscopy. I asked her what it would mean if i did have IBS. She said that I would have to stop eating spicy foods, most cheeses, no fatty meats, no sodas, very little to no alcohol...basically made a list longer than I am tall of things i couldnt do anymore. I pretty much said "Balls to that and balls to the colonoscopy! I am NOT drinking a fizzy drink that tastes like ass for 24 hours, not eating, not drinking anything but water and clear broth, all so you can shove a very long camera up my ass. OH, AND making my husband take a day off work to drive me to Peoria and back, as i'd be under sedation and couldnt drive myself home. Thanks, but no thanks."

Ive kept right on with the ignoring it. Still hasnt gotten any better, but has kept up with the getting worse. Now, whenever i burp, stomach acid comes up. Whenever i bend suddenly at my waist, stomach acid comes up. The cramps are happening about once a week now, when they used to happen maybe once every other month.

Just 20 minutes ago, I was organizing some stock in the side room here at Monets Gardens and bent over suddenly...and about half a cup of pinkish-red stomach acid just came right out of my mouth. Scared the shit out of me, enough that Im going to try to do something about it again.

I dont know what's wrong with me, but Im sure as hell not going back to the doc with the shittiest bedside manner in the world again. Im going to make an appointment with a GP over in Roseville to see if maybe a doctor that isnt trying to rush me in and out of their office will be able to help me figure this out. All I know is that Im not even going to look at WebMD or anything, because lord knows that I'd end up thinking I've got stomach cancer or something.

This freaking sucks.

I just had a horrible realization (they happen a lot when im left alone to think too much).

I've always wanted kids. Particularly, I've always wanted babies. When they get older, they rock, but Im really partial to babies.

I think this is because I want something/someone that needs me. Not just needs me to do certain things, but inherently NEEDS me to continue to exist.

I need to be needed in order to feel good about myself. I can bust my ass for people over and over and over again, as long as I feel like whatever I've done for them can only be done by me.

I want my husband home now.

Im losing the battle of keeping weight off. Not quickly or in epic amounts, but little bits here and there. I've slacked on going to the gym, so that hasnt helped. I feel like my waistline is slowly expanding, and if im not careful, it might just engulf the whole world.

On the plus side, my psychiatrist said that it would probably help me to see a nutritionist and try to figure out what i can do to lose weight with more ease. With the meds Im on, just cutting calories and fat while upping my physical activity might not be enough.

It might also help to stop eating my moms homemade chex mix.

Now to find a nutritionist in Macomb that accepts our insurance.

weather.com tells me that I will have no snow on Christmas. I will have no snow anywhere near Christmas. In fact, I will most likely have fucking balmy weather all around Christmas.

Needless to say, I am angry.

Now, I know a bunch of you hate winter and are probably dancing your little happy dances for there being no cold weather this year, but let me point something out to you: WINTER SHOULD BE COLD! If you dont like winter, moving to a climate in which there pretty much IS no winter might be in your best interests (except for some of you. I dont want you moving that far away from me.) Im not one of the people that freaks out about global warming all the time or anything. I accept that we are going through a climate change. I do my best to not make things worse. I dont use CFCs, and if I ever drove anywhere further than the square, I'd carpool. But in this case, something is seriously fucked up. I cant remember a Christmas since I went to college that there has been even a morsel of snow on the ground anywhere near Christmas. Hell, I can only remember one Christmas when I was in high school that there was snow! That year, I pretty much said "Fuck the presents; Im going out to play in the snow." It was a fantastic Christmas.

I know Christmas isnt about snow. I know the whole holiday season is supposed to be about loving each other, goodwill, less road rage, all that good shit. But in reality, its just another cause for good old fashioned capitalism at its finest. Most people are worried about getting the Wii or the Extreme Elmo or some stupid shit...so I dont feel all that bad for being pissed about the lack of white, fluffy precipitation in my near future.

In conclusion, if any of you have a snow machine, bring it to my parents house on Christmas. No, scratch that, bring it to my mother-in-laws. My grandpa-in-law loves Christmas and snow, and I know he'd really love to see it this year. Have a fucking heart people. Make it snow.

Oh, and go Bears!

Oh boy...I forgot how much quitting soda sucks. I havent had any since yesterday, which also means no caffeine since yesterday. My head is splitting in two and my hands wont stop shaking. This is making me the crabby. I dont like being crabby, so i try to be cheerful, but that just makes me annoyed with myself and thusly, more crabby. Oh, and in case I needed more examples of how much I depend on caffeine to focus and not spaz out, last night I ruined 3 pots of spanish rice. How can you ruin rice, one might ask.

1st pot- After sauteeing the onions and garlic for a bit, i dump in an ENTIRE CAN of petite diced tomatoes...undrained. Annoyed at myself, i manage to siphon off some water and scoop out some of the tomatoes. I then add the water. Without waiting for the water to boil, I promptly add the rice. Pot one, screwed up.

2nd pot- I happily remember that i have half of an onion left from the previous pot. I chop it and sautee it. Since I have no more diced tomatoes, I decide to use some tomato paste to get that yummy tomato flavor. Things are going well. Then, I dump all the rice in to the pot, as if I were making risotto. Pot two, wrecked.

3rd pot- As I am far too enraged to attempt to make my own recipe at this point, I dig out one of those lipton rice thingies. I follow the directions EXACTLY...except for the remembering to stir occasionally. Most of the rice burns to the bottom of the pan. Pot three, ruined, but enough was salvaged to count as a side dish.

So now, here I sit, writing to the interwebz, eating Reeses Pieces for breakfast and wanting a case of soda more than just about anything. I will prevail, dammit. I WILL PREVAIL!

So, um...Travis pointed something out to me, and my therapist has talked to me about this before, but I guess I dont really understand how to change it. I feel obligated to do whatever people ask of me, even people I dont like. I do things for people, like drive them places or help them move furniture, not always just because its a nice thing for a friend to do, but because i feel like i HAVE to do it. Like maybe, if I didnt do it, if I said no...that person wouldnt like me anymore. Its not just a problem with my friends, but with people I dont even like. I want to do what they ask me. I want to be the person they can always depend on to do what they need/want of me.

I sound like a codependent 13 year old.

I know that isnt what friendship is about, that people will still be my friends if I dont do what they want all the time. And Im getting better at it, but saying no is still really hard for me.

How do I get over this fear and develop a little more of a spine???

So, by accidentally grabbing 400 degree metal at work last night, i've managed to get two second degree burns on my left hand. Its awesome. I wasnt sent to the ER, I wasnt even really asked if I was okay. I was told to be tougher and just get through the shift. I went to the hospital after i went home and told them to send the bill to Magnolias. I got yelled at today when I came to work today for not demanding to be sent to the ER immediately, and told that since I didnt "follow the right steps", Lisa (my boss) would be charged the costs for my hospital visit out of pocket. Even though I came in to work with my hand wrapped in gauze, unable to use it for most anything, I still worked my ass off. I still got told to work harder, and to just tough it out. It took a chafing dish landing on my hand and me throwing up a bit from the pain just to get allowed to go home.

I hate everyone that is above me in the work pecking order. Im really tempted to quit, but I brought my food processor in tonight to grate cheese and forgot it. So...I need that back. But for the love of god, this is just cruel. What could I have done to deserve being treated so poorly?

Damn it all. Damn it all to hell and back. I had better get a really really really really good recommendation out of both of these jobs. I work 10-5 here at Monets today because Agnes had another hand surgery yesterday, and my boss Jimmy just called me and got me to work at Magnolias right after. Except the part where I walk the mile home to grab a different t-shirt, go to the bathroom, drop off my backpack with my expensive computer, and walk the mile back. You know what? Maybe I'll just wear a chefs jacket instead of an apron in order to save this t-shirt (one of my favorites), hide my backpack under the pastry table where no one goes, scarf dinner somewhere here on the square, and skip the walking. Yeah...sounds great.

I will get a good reference from these people. Magnolias can be fun. They promised me that tonight isnt too busy.

Maybe they're lying.

Either way, good reference. Lisa (my boss at Magnolias) has even said that the people that accept extra hours on a regular basis are her favorites and will always get higher praise from her. I like praise.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that Travis will be home early tonight...so at least I wont have to walk home alone from work in the dark. Thats a perk.

Oh, my Bears. You break my heart and then mend it back together with the glue of beautiful success.

I love and hate being a fan sometimes.

As it is, Im really just missing my baby.